Did I really say that?

Do you spend hours, or some amount of time, torturing yourself over what you didn’t say? Or is it just me? This is more about something I have battled most of my life. I have always found that after any conversation and disagreement I cannot stop going over every single sentence, word and how they were meant or could be contrived to mean. I spend countless hours brooding over things like this when I am pretty sure that the other person had comfortably moved on in life. Me, on the other hand, caught in suspended animation having the same discussion over and over again. Always trying to think of a better way to reply or question what was being said.

I often used to think this was only me, but apparently it is not. I am not saying that everyone takes it to the extremes I did but to a certain level I have noticed glimpses of this trait in others. I try my best now not to leave any discussion without having said all I feel compelled to, but I still have this innate need to think things over. I have found that my instincts to say things on the spur of the moment are not the greatest, whereas my wife seems a master at this. But then again her instincts for pretty much everything leave me wondering where I was when this trait was being handed out to people! So although I try not to waste as much time on stewing over a conversation as I used to, I still catch myself occasionally kicking myself for a missed opportunity. But what I come to understand is that is just the way I am. I can accept it and just try and control it, as it can be very destructive, or waste hours of my future reliving conversations rather than focusing on the future. With so many things to look forward to, why should I waste my time looking at something that is in the past?

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